HOW TO GET PUNCHED BY A RUGBY PLAYER

HOW TO GET PUNCHED ON THE PITCH:
8 EASY STEPS

1. BRAG ON THE PITCH

When on the pitch, make sure you brag about your exploits and achievements loudly and often. Make sure to make up a few things, just ridiculous enough to let them realize you're lying, but legitimate enough to convince them you think they believe it.

e.g. "This one time, I took down a prop and he had to be carried off the field."

2. WEAR DIFFERENT GEAR FROM THE TEAM

If your team wears black shorts in matches, make sure you wear white shorts. If they wear white shorts, wear blue. It's important to look like you think you're better than anybody else on the field. Buy a pair of rugby socks that are any combination of orange, yellow, black, neon green, or yellow. Wear compression shorts that are too long. This will make you look stupid, yet cocky and overconfident.

3. CHIRP THE OTHER PLAYERS

Always berate and insult the other players. Make comments that are wildly exaggerated, but have an element of truth behind them. Make sure to disrespect one player, and then immediately make a jab at his buddy.

e.g. "Ay bud, ye run like a fairy. Oh, and you, you've got chicken legs. Yer both wusses."

4. PLAY BADLY AND ACT LIKE YOU'RE PLAYING GREAT

Commit plenty of knock-ons and miss all your tackles, but then act as if you're the team's star. Intentionally hog the ball from other players and refuse to pass. When faced with an opposing player, make it look like you tried to dodge, but instead made a stupid move that will only end up hurting you and the tackler. If you do all this right, the other team will get sick of even playing against you.

5. WHILE PLAYING BADLY, TELL YOUR TEAM THEY'RE WORSE

Act like you've been carrying the team, and like they've been letting you down. Every time a teammate makes a mistake, immediately stop playing to scream at him in the most offensive, spastic fashion possible. If a teammate makes a good play, keep to the 3-1 rule. For every 1 compliment/ positive word you give, have 3 insults towards his/her performance that may or may not be actual critiques.

e.g. "Decent try, James. Next time though, try running faster, touch down the ball near the uprights,          and make sure your outfit is more en pointe."

6. STYLE YOUR HAIR IN RIDICULOUS WAYS

Give yourself ridiculous hairstyles, and if possible, wear a neon-colored headband. If you have long hair, don't tie it back, instead let it flow and get in opponent's and teammates faces. This will really get them going. Continuously fix your hair when it starts looking normal, to ensure the other players know that it's meant that way.

7. DEMAND MORE PLAY TIME AND DEMAND THE BALL

Demand things of your coach and your team, just to make sure nobody has any idea that you're not rude and entitled. When you don't get your way, sulk and start sabotaging your team. Decrease your playing performance, while actively trying to disadvantage your team.

8. DON'T SHAKE ANYBODY'S HAND AFTERWARDS

Afterwards, don't shake the other team's hand. Instead, slap your cheeks to make them red and punch-able, go right up to them and start spewing insults and profanity. Give a few shoves. Draw attention to your gear and hair. Start mixing bragging in with insults. Find the biggest player on the other team and get in his face.

AFTERWARDS

Did you get punched? Good. You probably deserved it.